


at least out loud (i won't say i'm in love)

by cressisaqueen



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, But also, Canon Compliant, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Rebelcaptain - Freeform, happy 4th birthday queen it's what you deserve, sue sylvester voice: i am going to write a fic that is so indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:54:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28189545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cressisaqueen/pseuds/cressisaqueen
Summary: Jyn thought the words as she rested against him, forehead touching forehead, as the elevator slowly carried them to their death. She assumed they were about to die; all signs pointed to it.The words were so foreign to her, having not said them in many, many years. But with her hands on his elbows, his hands resting lightly on her hips, she knew it to be true. I could have loved you, if we were given the time.--4 times Jyn didn't say 'I love you' and 1 time she did.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 5
Kudos: 92





	at least out loud (i won't say i'm in love)

**Author's Note:**

> rogue one turned 4 a few days ago and i just Know we got an elevator kiss even if they won't release the deleted scenes. 
> 
> this fic was mostly the result of me listening to i won't say i'm in love from hercules on repeat as one does.

**i.**

Jyn thought the words as she rested against him, forehead touching forehead, as the elevator slowly carried them to their death. She assumed they were about to die; all signs pointed to it. 

The words were so foreign to her, having not said them in many, many years. But with her hands on his elbows, his hands resting lightly on her hips, she knew it to be true. _I could have loved you, if we were given the time._

Cassian looked at her like he could hear her thoughts, like he was thinking the same thing. They didn’t have the time, of course. Maybe if things were different, maybe if Jyn knew for certain they would both live till tomorrow, maybe if everything had gone according to plan from the very start - not just the mission to Scarif, but the plan her parents made all those years ago - she would close the gap, risk kissing him in the dark of the elevator. Maybe he would kiss her back. 

Jyn mentally kicked herself. She knew nothing of romance, of love. Who’s to say the feelings she felt weren’t platonic as she had gone her entire life without a friend. But she had friends now, and the way she felt about Bodhi and Chirrut and Baze and even K2 was very different from the way she felt about Cassian. 

If only they had the time. 

The elevator doors opened, the light from outside blinding Jyn. Cassian shifted, pulling his hands away from her. Instead of mourning the loss of his touch, Jyn slung his arm over her shoulders, wrapped her arm around his waist. 

As they knelt in the sand, Cassian said to her, voice impossibly soft, “Your father would have been proud of you, Jyn.” 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Jyn said, hoping everything she felt could be conveyed in those four words. Cassian smiled, took her hand. She intertwined their fingers; she wouldn’t let him get away again. 

A distant explosion forced Jyn’s attention to the horizon. She could almost pretend it was just a sunset, that she and Cassian were lounging on the beach together. In her gut she felt pure, undeniable fear. Now that she had something worth fighting for, worth _living_ for, she didn’t want her life to end. The life she wasted on anger and apathy. The life she could’ve spent loving and caring about something she believed in. 

Cassian tugged on her hand, shifting up so he could hug her. She didn’t realize how in need of a hug she had been. 

_I could have loved you,_ Jyn thought a second time as blinding light engulfed her and Cassian. 

* * *

**ii.**

Jyn wasn’t dead. Judging by the ache in her bones, she was very much alive. She had no idea how, but she survived. She had more time. 

“We managed to pick you up at the very last second,” Bodhi explained, hands flying as he spoke. _We_ consisted of Bodhi, Melshi, Chirrut, and Baze, the only survivors of Rogue One. Besides Jyn of course.

“What about…” Jyn tried to ask. Her throat burned but she had to know if he was alive. If he got a second chance too. “Cassian.” Bodhi nodded. Jyn returned his small smile, feeling the weight that had been crushing her chest since she woke rise high into the air. 

Bodhi explained how Cassian had experienced the worst of it, had to be submerged in bacta to heal his broken back. How he most likely won’t wake up for another week, maybe more. How he had been clinging to Jyn when they were picked up, how she clung right back. It only slightly made her blush. 

She remembered how soft his hands were, despite all the terrible things he had done with them. She couldn’t really blame him though; her hands were just as dirty. She remembered how warm he felt, how safe she felt being in his arms. Her skin was itching to get that feeling back. 

Jyn pushed all thoughts of him to the back of her mind. She couldn’t dwell on exactly how he made her feel, especially when he wasn’t really there. Especially when they had a second chance to get it right. Now they had that time. 

Except all Jyn could do over the next few days was think about Cassian. 

When she couldn’t sleep (which was very often), she’d wander the halls and stare out into Yavin IV. The air was muggy and hot and almost unbreathable, but Jyn felt something similar to safe. She hadn’t felt safe in a very long time. 

After struggling to fall asleep yet again, one night Jyn decided to stray from her usual path. She didn’t know exactly where she was going, letting her feet carry her to wherever. She almost laughed when she realized where she had ended up.

Cassian’s room. 

Jyn hesitated, her finger hovering over the keypad. She memorized the code to his room the first time Bodhi told it to her. She repeated it all throughout the day, hoping to work up the courage to actually put it to use. _Better late than never._

His room wasn’t as cold as she’d imagined it to be. Being a captain, he got a private room, while Jyn was stuck sharing with a handful of other rebels. She hoped that whenever he would wake up, he’d be searching for her. Wonder where she was, if she was alive. Just like she did. 

Jyn was getting a lot more hopeful these days.

She almost gasped upon seeing him. He looked deathly pale and so incredibly fragile. For the little time she knew him - because she _barely_ knew him, she had to keep reminding herself that - he had always been present and there, even if he was blending into the shadows. His eyes had always been looking, calculating, open. She hated seeing them closed. 

Jyn pulled up the only chair in the room to his bed. At first she could only fidget, shifting so her own injuries wouldn’t hurt. But mostly so she wouldn’t have to look at him straight on. 

_Don’t be such a coward,_ she told herself. She could look at him; she’d done it countless times already. She had already seen him sprawled on the ground, looking lifeless. An infirmary bed was a step up. And yet she couldn’t. If she looked at him, really looked at him, she knew those words would spill out of her mouth. 

Jyn didn’t want the first time she said those words to be while he was unconscious, maybe dying at that very moment. 

So instead, Jyn took his hand, closed her eyes, and finally drifted off to sleep. She could barely register the small squeeze he gave her hand before fully succumbing to sleep. 

* * *

**iii.**

Jyn hated Hoth for many reasons. It was always freezing and the quarters were unbearably cramped, but the reason she hated Hoth the most was that there was no escape from Han and Leia’s endless bickering. 

“You’d think they’d realize the other just wants to get into their pants already,” Jyn said to Cassian as another screaming match began in the mess hall. Cassian snorted, almost choked on his lunch. Jyn smiled; she loved hearing him laugh. His laugh was becoming even more rare than it already was. 

“Who do you think will come to their senses first?” Cassian asked. 

Jyn pondered it for a moment, then replied, “I think Solo already knows, but the Princess is in complete denial.” Cassian raised an eyebrow. “Well, who usually starts these fights?”

“Leia.”

“Exactly. She doesn’t know how to express romantic feelings, so she uses anger instead.” Cassian looked at her strangely, making Jyn feel very self conscious. “What?”

“How do you know so much about love and romance?” _Love._ Any mention of that word made Jyn blush from her head to her toes. She fully knew how she felt about Cassian now, knew she loved his laugh and his smile and his lame jokes that were actually very funny once you thought about it. But thinking about love and talking about it were two very different things. 

“I don’t. I just know the Princess,” Jyn lied. “She’s stubborn, like some people I know.” 

“I hope you’re talking about yourself because I am _not_ stubborn.” Jyn laughed and threw a bit of her dry ration bar at him. 

“You’re about as stubborn as I am, Andor.” She expected him to deny it, but he smiled and ducked his head, a blush spreading over his cheeks. He looked radiant in the crappy fluorescent lights. He looked more beautiful than anyone Jyn had ever known. 

The words were bubbling up in her chest again. They were getting harder and harder to push down, to deny to anyone except herself. Bodhi had told her once on Yavin IV that if she needed to say anything, she should say it now. 

_“Who knows if you’ll ever have the chance again.”_

But Jyn knew. She knew Cassian Andor was perhaps the most stubborn man alive, coming back from the dead to rescue her, continuously _coming back_ for her. She knew she’d get the timing right. It wouldn’t be rushed, wouldn’t be in the heat of battle as the world crumbled around them. It would be sweet, romantic. Jyn had never wanted to be romantic with anyone before. It was weird, but a good weird. 

“So you really think Leia doesn’t know about her own feelings?” Cassian asked. 

Jyn was content to simply nod and explain no further, but something in Cassian’s gaze made her pause. Like he was asking if _Jyn_ was the one blind to her own feelings. “I think she might be scared of what a romantic relationship could be like in the middle of a war. If anything were to happen to-” Jyn cut herself off, almost revealing everything. “-Han, she wouldn’t know what to do. So she keeps her feelings hidden. Even to herself.”

“That’s a strangely poetic answer, Erso.” Jyn smiled, ducked her head. “I bet you twenty credits that Han makes the first move before the next battle.” 

Jyn threw her head back and laughed. She took his hand, shook it, and said, “You’re on.”

* * *

**iv.**

Fortunately, Jyn won twenty credits. Unfortunately, she had no clue where Cassian was. 

The Empire had found them. Again. Everything happened so quickly that she lost sight of him almost immediately. She tried to steady her breathing, knew he was probably perfectly fine. He would come back for her. He always did. 

“He’ll be okay,” Bodhi said. Jyn nodded. Except they had nowhere to go, nowhere to rendezvous. How could she know she’d ever see him again? 

Bodhi was right. She should’ve told him when she had the chance.

“Why am I so stubborn?” Jyn asked no one in particular. “If I had just said it, that I-” She couldn’t even say it then. Why wouldn’t the damn words come out? They were just three little words and yet they held so much meaning. What if he was gone now? She would have ruined possibly the best thing in her life by keeping her damn mouth shut. 

“You were scared,” Bodhi said simply. “Besides, he probably already knew. The way you two look at each other can be a bit disgusting at times.” Jyn smacked his arm, hoping he didn’t see how badly she was blushing. She had never even considered the possibility that he knew her feelings. So then why didn’t he say anything? 

_If I ever see him again, the first thing I’m going to do is tell him._ And then probably kiss him senseless. Either or could come first, really. Jyn wouldn’t complain either way.

* * *

**\+ i.**

“We did it,” a voice said, causing Jyn to look up. Cassian never failed to take her breath away. 

“We did.” 

She hadn’t told him when they reunited. There wasn't time. By the time Jyn had fully registered that he was back and mostly safe, another battle had broken out. At this point, she didn’t think there would ever be a right time. 

“What do you think you’ll do now?” Cassian asked, sitting down beside her. Jyn had no idea. She never imagined a life that wasn’t this war, a life where she could truly be free. 

“I’m not sure. I’ve never even thought about it.” Her heart was hammering against her ribcage. They were never the kind of people to shy away from physical touch, but every brush of skin made Jyn catch fire. 

If she were being honest, she just wanted this. For them to sit together and talk and just _live._ Not just survive but actually build a life together. She’d go wherever he wanted to go. 

“What if we stayed together?” Cassian asked. Jyn looked at him, wondering if he read her thoughts. He usually could with ease. “I know I haven’t been very forward with my feelings, Jyn, but-”

“I’m in love with you,” Jyn cut him off. He looked about as shocked as she did. “I think I have been for awhile now actually.” Cassian continued to stare at her, completely dumbfounded. The silence stretched on for too long and Jyn was beginning to panic. “Cassian, please say something.” 

Instead of responding, he kissed her. Jyn had seen her parents kiss before, had seen many rebels bid each other goodbye with one last kiss, but she had never truly known the appeal of it until now. Except now it wasn’t a goodbye. Instead, it was a hello to a new life, a new era where they could have the freedom to just be. 

They finally parted to come up for air, resting their foreheads together. Jyn was taken back to the elevator, the moment that started it all. She was right; given the time, she did grow to love him. Deeply and brightly. 

“I’m in love with you too,” Cassian said. Jyn laughed and leaned in to kiss him again. She could very much get used to his kisses. It felt like coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr @cressisaqueen


End file.
